merlin's words

Relocating...

Mon, 14 May 2012 19:09:33 -0400

Dear friends,

I am relocating my thoughts to www.marybunkley.wordpress.com . As much as I love tumblr, wordpress offers more options for your truly.

deeplove,

merlin

Crying in the rain would be ironic, if only it didn't hurt so much...

Mon, 14 May 2012 15:52:00 -0400

The other day I got home really late at night. It was raining profusely. And I was upset. No, more than upset. Infuriated. Frustrated. Rankled. Nettled. Irked. Vexed. You get the idea.

So I got out of my car and made it about 5 steps to the center of our dual-purpose backyard/parking lot, and I raised my hands to the heavens. As the rain fell down mixing with my angry tears, I talked to God.

Really talked.

I told Him I was frustrated and angry with Him. I told God that He didn’t know what He was doing. As I stood there, with my hands outstretched. Clothes growing wetter. I spoke my anger. Revealed my disappointment. Raved my discontentment.

I was finally honest. Finally broken. Finally done.

The past four weeks have been rough. Heck, the past three months have been rough. When my dad was sick back in March, things started coming undone. And I tried, oh how I tried, to stop the unraveling! But come last weekend, there was nothing more I could do.

Since March, the Lord has brought me lesson, after lesson, after lesson. And for a few weeks in April, I thought I’d learned it all. After four years of struggling in college, I thought I’d reached some spiritual graduation. I paid my dues. God could go fix other people now. I lavishly proclaimed the Lord’s healing. I wore His works on my sleeve. But then the rain came four weeks ago.

And this rain was pure acid.

It felt like the Lord stopped being faithful. Like my prayers were hitting rock walls. Like the Lord had given me loads I couldn’t bear. This time, his promises were too great. His providence too little. Somewhere in April I lost my belief in God’s sovereignty and found buckets full of new anxiety, fear, and longing I never tasted before.

I managed the situations well the first two weeks. By week three, my supports were buckling. My roommates kept me floating for a few days, however, the Lord needed me broken. So the buckling turned to deteriorating. Layers of my spiritual protection fell off. Days went by and finally all my resources were drained. My reserves of spiritual weapons were depleted. I used up all my energy, all my safeguards. I couldn’t fight any more.

So I stood in the rain late one night, and I cried to the Lord…

While I still don’t know what going on, I have learned to hold on to what’s around me. To cling to today, like there will be no tomorrow. Today, I have been given grace to fight sin. Grace to be utterly broken before the Lord.

Grace to stand in the rain, and tell the One who loves me most why I can’t fight any more.

And in that moment, when the hot tears for my eyes mix with water from heaven, when I am fully depleted, when I can no longer trust in myself, that is the moment I begin surrendering to the Lord.

And he begins to rebuild my soul for what feels like the 100^th time.

The weird line between neurosis and naptime...

Mon, 07 May 2012 19:17:15 -0400

Seems like the closer I get to graduation, the more comfortable I become with my suspended state of quasi-panic. Daily forcing my worries down. Trying to look only at my Lord. Walking a weird line between neurosis and naptime. The balance is difficult and tiring.

But during this time the Lord is building an arresting, delightful conviction in my heart. Oh how I pray this one lasts!

The Lord is showing me the simple, frustrating magnificence of today.

So when my wheels start turning, my fingers start itching to manipulate, when my mind starts conjecturing, and my heart beats with panic. I give myself a status update. Like this:

“Mary Lynn, what are you worried about?”

“I do not know where I’m going to law school. I do not have a summer job. My roommates are all moving away.”

“Mary Lynn, what can you do today?”

“My roommates are still in Austin; I can be with them today. I have a stack of job applications. I can finish those. I can pray that the Lord prepares my heart for law school. I can pray now he will provide me a place to live in August.”

“Mary Lynn, name three blessings.”

“I am thankful for my Bible. Because it tells me God loves me exactly as I am today. I am thankful for my walk to class, because I look at the trees around me and remember the Lord is the provider and sustainer of all creation. I am thankful for my phone, because I can use laugh at funny internets in class.”

And this reality check is just what I need. It calms my heart. Brings my head out of its swirling panic and reminds me that I am a chosen, delighted-in Daughter of God. With one great gift: today.

Today is a full meal. An entrée of particular blessings. With side dishes of frustrations, memories, and lolz. And if I wake up tomorrow, I’ll need to eat again. But right now I’m eyeing the meal in front of me.

If you only hear me say one thing this year...

Mon, 07 May 2012 19:07:00 -0400

Let’s face it. I have no earthly idea where I’ll be living in three months. I suppose I’m going to law school next year, and I’ll likely be in either Texas or Virginia. But after that, your guess is as good as mine. My name is buried in several waitlist, over several thousand miles. Essentially, I’m at the mercy of my God, through an admissions committee’s decision, to determine where I’ll be for the next three years (and— very likely— for the rest of my life).

Fact is, college will come to an end. Sooner than you want/expect. It’s the nature of the beast. To account for this transient life station, college students establish timelines.

I will join this organization sophomore year.

I will find an internship junior year.

I will graduate in May 201X.

But never are we such slaves to our timelines than senior year.

I will start recruitment in October.

I will take this test in December.

I will apply for this in January.

I will have a post-graduation plan by March.

Planning is not wrong. Planning glorifies God. Planning is the key to an effective ministry. I am not attacking planning in this post. I am attacking a line of thinking that prohibits your from receiving the full blessings of God your senior year of college.

Since August of last year, I’ve repeatedly had the following conversation with other Christian seniors:

Other person: “I just can’t do ___________.”

Me: “Why?”

Other person: “I am graduating in ________ months/weeks. It’s just not practical.”

While inwardly (and sometimes outwardly) I yell OUR GOD IS NOT PRACTICAL. HAVE YOU EVER SEEN AT A FLAMINGO?

I have seen seniors cut themselves off from relationships. Isolate themselves from lower-classmen. Deny themselves extensive involvement in ministries. Limit their attempts to see revival in Austin, Texas. All because they will be moving soon.

From June –December of last year, I lived and died by my timeline. I let the LSAT rule my life. I found my joy in my academic success. I found my peace in a high LSAT practice test score. I rejected opportunities to pour into my community and other important relationships because I was graduating in a few months. I have had rough semesters, but I NEVER wanted to redo a semester until Fall 2011.

Juniors, I am talking to you especially, please! learn from my mistakes. Be friends with freshmen. Trust the Lord with your post-grad plans, not your GPA. Don’t live or die by graduation. Jesus could come back before then. How do you want your last day on campus to look like?

Fighting Sin Alligators

Wed, 28 Mar 2012 21:13:00 -0400

When I was little, I loved Mr. Gatti’s. The cookies, the games, the pizza, the salad bar (yes, I was a strange child), they were all perfection. For me, one of the most frustratingly fun games was the alligator smashing game. You know the one where you hit the alligators on the head with a mallet? And when you hit them they made an “wwarkkk” sound?

Sometimes when I’m fighting sin, I still feel like that five-year-old kid, holding a padded mallet trying to squish all my sin alligators before time runs out.

Some weeks, I am exhausted. Not from school. Not from lack of sleep. Not from doing extra-curriculars. I am exhausted from battling sin. It’s hard to render every thought captive that isn’t pleasing to the Lord. It’s hard to train my eyes to stop looking lustfully. It’s hard to keep my feet from going places I shouldn’t be. It’s hard to keep my lips from drinking too much.

All of these sin alligators. And so little time. Some days, I have absolutely nothing left to give. So I throw my hands up in frustration. (just like I did at Gattiland) and I walk away from the table. Leaving all of my continued struggles, all of my tiny, minute accomplishments that day in the dust. I leave my tickets in the machine. And I walk away.

But then remember what Moses said in Exodus 14:13-14. When the Israelites were looking back at Pharaoh and begging Moses to let them return to slavery, Moses tells them, “Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.”

The Lord not only fights our daily battles against sin. He wins the war. Christ gave Himself up “to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good” (Titus 2:14). So that the King of Kings, Lord of Host can look on his people and say “there is no condemnation” (Romans 8:1).

Verses like these open my heart to the Grace of God. And that Grace in turn teaches me “to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age” (Titus 2:12).

So, a decade after I stopped going to Gattiland (wait, who am I kidding? I went there last week), I still react the same way. When I feel like I can’t win, I start to walk away. Then magnificently, only by the grace of God, I turn back and continue to fight.

Its kinda like the Lord has and endless supply of Gattiland tokens. Oh my! What a wonderful, childlike, joyous God.

This one’s a toughie…

Wed, 07 Mar 2012 01:46:00 -0500

This isn’t one of those blog entries I write after I have everything figured out. This is one of those entries that I write in the deep, deep middle of a profound mess. My dad’s pulmonary embolisms are back. He had them two years ago after surgery on his foot. He defied death that time, and he continues to do so. But that doesn’t mean we are out of the woods yet.

It’s weird, when one your parent’s lives is so fragile. Until my dad’s INR levels (I have no idea what this means) gets above a certain number, the clots in his lungs can still move. If they move, we have about 30 seconds before he leaves us.

Every time my phone rings, my entire body tenses. I’m so afraid it’s The Phone Call. It’s like having butterflies in your stomach. Except these aren’t butterflies. They’re trackerjackets (Hunger Games reference). These bee-like creatures jerk around, stinging my insides. Making horrible images of life without my dad flash through my head.

For about five days, I managed to keep my stuff together. Then I had a breakdown in Best Buy over a pair of headphones. Yes. Headphones. It’s like I enjoy crying public places.

So here I am, writing a list of all the promises of God that I’m going to claim during this time. Hoping that you can use these when dealing with your own trackerjackets.

1. If my dad dies, he is the lucky one.

Seriously, He will be go where the Glory of God resides. He will know a fullness of joy that I cannot fathom. He will know love greater than anything my mother has ever shown him. He will know happiness greater than my sister or I could ever give him. He will look upon the face of God. Meanwhile, we’ll be stuck living in a broken, destitute, and spiteful world. Where babies are killed, women are raped, men are broken, families torn, and God is mocked. Yea…. I think “lucky one” is an understatement.

After this I heard what seemed to be the loud voice of a great multitude in heaven, crying out “Hallelujah!

Salvation and glory and power belong to our God, for his judgments are true and just; for he has judged the great prostitute who corrupted the earth with her immorality, and has avenged on her the blood of his servants.” (Revelation 19:1-2)

2. God works everything for our good and His Glory.

It’s time like these I praise God that learned the theology behind God’s sovereignty before things hit the fan. Learning theology during the rocky times is almost impossible. Learning theology during lighter times is difficult, but not for the same reasons. The fact that the Lord of the Universe if for His glory, and that glory results in my ultimate good is very precious to me right now.

For my name’s sake I defer my anger, for the sake of my praise I restrain it for you, that I may not cut you off. Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver; I have tried you in the furnace of affliction. For my own sake, for my own sake, I do it, for how should my name be profaned? My glory I will not give to another. (Isaiah 48: 9-11 )

Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groaning too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good,for those who are called according to his purpose. (Romans 8: 26-28)

3. The Lord hears my petitions for my father’s life.

This is a tough one for me. I cannot fathom how a Holy God in Heaven, listens, empathizes with, and sometimes concedes to my prayer request. But he does. Just… wow:

The eyes of the Lord are toward the righteous and his ears toward their cry. (Psalm 34:15)

4. God demands and deserves to be worshiped during this time.

My dad had his embolisms for weeks before he was diagnosed. Embolisms are most dangerous when they first form. Something like 40% of embolisms not treated immediately result in sudden death. My dad had his embolisms for two weeks. God has kept my dad with us. I’m not sure why, but, man oh man, in the midst of my worry, God deserves to be praised.

Although, the truth is, the Lord always deserves praise. No matter what the outcome of my dad’s illness is. I get shaky and weak when I think about what might happen. Admittedly, I’m scared to post this blog, because I know that I’ll be tied to these words once I write them. But the Lord is greater. He is life. He is worthier of praise. This is what I pray I’ll hold on to.

I will bless the Lord at all times; his praise shall continually be in my mouth. (Psalm 34:1)

5. God’s grace is the only thing daily keeping us all from death.

My roommate Lindsay had pulmonary embolisms last April (I can’t wait for these darn things to be cured!). I was talking to her about my dad yesterday, and she said something that stuck with me.

“It was a while after my embolisms, and I was in church. We were singing some old worship song. They one that says “You’re breath fills up my lungs, now I’m free. Now I’m free.” And I just started crying. Because I realized my next breath wasn’t guaranteed. God could take me to Heaven right now. But he keeps me around.”

Our lives are ultimately in the Lord’s hands. No matter how healthy. No matter how sick. No matter how many embolisms. They are his. Sometimes I catch myself thinking I have a say in when I die, but that’s not the case. I’m not even guaranteed tomorrow. This conviction always leaves me with a lingering question: then why in the world am I wasting today??

Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”— yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.” (James 4:13-16)

To the Sin Conqueror

Thu, 01 Mar 2012 16:04:00 -0500

I really love the Valley of Vision prayer book. So one day, in a flurry of Christian angst, I wrote my own Valley-esque prayer. Here it is:

Sin Conqueror-

I am a perpetual motion machine,

constantly moving in the wrong direction.

On my best day, I am plagued by sin and

far from righteousness.

My soul cries out for the goodness

and mercy it once knew so well.

When confronted with my wretchedness,

I do no turn to you.

Instead I crave the days when

righteousness was in my deeds.

How ironic! When I really understand my

sin, I long for false doctrine!

Oh what a state we’re in,

To taste only part of your glory,

To know only part of you plan,

To love only half-correct

To continually serve two masters,

When our heart’s song lies with the father.

But your sun rises tomorrow.

Tomorrow your mercies are new.

Lord, I wait for the dawn.

confessions of a reformed man junkie

Thu, 01 Mar 2012 08:00:06 -0500

I have a couple (understatement) of theories about life. Most of the time, I view these theories as law. And much to the misfortune of my roommates and close friends, I proclaim loudly every time my theory is substantiated and ignore most situations where it isn’t.

Here’s my newest theory. I hypothesize that very few women are actually “boy crazy.” Coming from a reformed, self-proclaimed, and publically humiliated man-junkie, this seems like a stretch. Please, allow me to explain.

Instead of the male-worshipping, over-eager image “boy crazy” girls portray, I think boy-crazed women are just plain selfish.

That’s right. And you know what else. I don’t think they like boys that much.

Allow me to expand.

Several months ago, I was sitting in a coffee shop, praying over new-found affections for a certain man. And it felt like my prayers were hitting a brick wall. As if God was purposefully ignoring me, like he was sitting in Heaven, enjoying my silent (haha, yeah right) suffering. So I sat there, pondering why my prayers weren’t going through, when I realized I was praying for entirely the wrong thing.

The root of the issue is that I’m a lonely, self-obsessed person. I pray over relationships, not because I want biblical companionship. Not because I genuinely like the guy (chances are I know little about him). Not because the Lord is directing me towards that relationship. But because I want him to fulfill a desire within me.

Some days I desire affirmation.

Some days I desire validation.

Some days I desire preoccupation.

Some days I desire physical affection.

Some days I desire …..

The list goes on and on.

Like all boy crazy girls, I do not genuinely want a relationship with 95% of the boys I have a crushes on. I desire a man to fulfill my unrequited longings. I desire a relationship because I am selfish.

Women, our desires are human. It is human nature to long for companionship. God created us for community here on earth, and sometimes that includes dating/engagement/marriage. But, please be honest with yourself. Are you sincerely being filled by the Lord? Do you accept that you are a bride of Christ? Does God really own you heart? And then, Christian woman, be even more honest with yourself…

Why do you jump from one crush to another so quickly?

Why do you manipulate men?

Why do you enjoy sexually tempting men?

Why do you enjoy men looking at you?

Why do you enjoy the “relationship high”?

Why do you give in to sexual temptation?

I’d be willing to bet, if you sat down and answered these questions, a self-centered, self-indulgent, self-gratifying heart would be the answer.

So this time, I’m going to pray for the real issue. First, I’m going to stop praying that the Lord would “guard my heart” against some boy. And instead, I’ll pray the Lord would guard my heart against myself. I’ll stop praying that the Lord would let a relationship form with some guy. And I’ll start praying that the Lord will deepen my relationship with him. This week, I’m going to boldly pray that if a man ever enters my life, I am so fulfilled by Jesus that it takes me a while to notice. I am going to pray my heart is so focused with Love for the Lord that all my relationships are an extension of worshipping Christ.

Yes, those are big prayers. But I’ve been praying them for several months now, and they are working. The Lord is reclaiming desires and affections I let run rampant for so many years. Remember, the master of galaxies is the master of your heart. He is the God who destined you to be his bride millenniums ago. The Creator of the Universe eagerly awaits for the day you call him “My Husband.” (Hosea 2:16).

Stop settling. Start believing. Begin by praying.

Member of Art Ambidextrous laying out the G.O.S.P.E.L....

Tue, 22 Mar 2011 19:12:00 -0400

Member of Art Ambidextrous laying out the G.O.S.P.E.L. It’s a good message.

God isn't a Chicken.

Tue, 22 Mar 2011 14:07:00 -0400

God isn’t a Chicken. I know, I know. Startling revelation right? Well this hit me today as I was chomping down on a giant plate of breakfast tacos. Suddenly I realized how often we treat God like he’s a chicken. No in the ‘being scared’ sense of the word (although that would be make another great blog topic) but in the ‘laying eggs’ sense of the word.

So let’s unpack this metaphor and see what it means, because, quite frankly, I bet you treated God like he was a chicken at some point today.

You see, like a chicken we use God for his eggs. We bow our heads, say, “Thank you God for this delicious plate of breakfast tacos” and then we chow down. The hot plate or delicious cheesy-greasy wonderment wrapped in tortilla completely keeps us from stopping to appreciate the simple magnitude of the meal in front of us. The point is, we use Him. We thank him half-heartedly for the food in front of us, eat his eggs, and then go on. We act like God is off on a farm somewhere, just waiting until the next time we want breakfast tacos.

So today, lets reevaluate, and stop treating God like he’s a chicken. Using him for his blessings and then discarding the efforts He has taken to provide for us. Today when you pray over your meals, think about what the Lord has done in this marvelous world to get that plate of food to you. Think about the richness of his simple blessings in your life and carry that realization with you throughout the day. Praise him for his eggs and say it like you mean it.

Romans 12:36 For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be the glory forever. Amen.